Dear-Macio / MACIO'S advice to YOU!

Funny Sh*t.....

Things to make you smile, laugh and say-

"Damn he's retarded!"

Dear Macio,

I'm currently pregnant with our first child. We are having such an issue trying to pick out names. We know we're having a girl. I know your a parent and was wondering if you could help us with the names we selected?

1) Diamante Mercedes

2) Lucious Asia

3) Chocolat (pronounced sho-ko-lat) Peaches

Thanks,

Diamond from Bankhead, GA

Diamond,

I guess my first question would be "Will there be a stripper pole in the nursery?" Good God child! As a father of 2 girls you have to keep in mind the names you and your husband are contemplating are sound like stripper names or porn star names. Eventually your baby will grow up to be a young lady (hopfully- minus the clear heels and stripper pole) and will have to apply for a job. I'm assuming your black since you're writing from Bankhead (shout out to my GA shawties!) LOL So already your child is starting off being a minority female you don't want her to NEVER even get the opportunity to make it to an actual interview because people are judging her first by her name. It's something she has to live with. Regardless of how wonderful of a person she will turn out to be, many times people won't even take the time to know her as a person simply by judging her 'outwardly', and part of that has to do with her name. But if you're in LOVE with the choices you named above, more power to ya. Then I guess the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree or pole in this case- does it Ms. Diamond? As a matter of fact is this Diamond from Magic City?

Macio

Dear Macio,

II saw you this past weekend in Albany. You were fab! The best one on the show. We took a picture together afterwards. I was the woman with the red and yellow fur coat, red snake skin boots and yellow leather outfit. ( I made it myself) I'm a clothing designer and I know you must know a lot of people- celebs and designers. Can you introduce me?

Shyquida Lavon- Jenkins aka: PEACHES

Albany, NY

DEAR SHYQUIDA,

First I'd like to introduce your ass to REALITY! The last time I saw red and yellow actually coordinate was at the drive thru at Mc Donalds. Your threads look like Ronald Mc Donald on acid. Then you were bold enough to have the nerve to supersize the damn thing. (shout out to all my BBW) My suggestion would be to take some courses at FIT or apply at Mickey D's..........fries anyone?

Macio

YO MACIO,

Sup son? Ima 18 yr old MC from the BX. I spit fiya yo. My lyrics is hot to def. I know that when yous wuz on Uptown u gave JAY-Z and Meth they first TV appearance son. So hook a botha up kid. Holla!!!!!!!

Joshua Goldstein

aka: Yamaka Yo

Joshua,

First and formost- never address a grown ass man as 'son'. Recognize...and respect. Secondly, I KNOW who you are- you're Saul's son- 'Joshie'. :) I love the fact that you found an art that you love. But, as a friend I have 2 seeds of advice for you:

1) Being an MC is an art. Because you can rhyme 'car and far' doesn't give you your MC card. You have to live it, be it- SON! So, my honest suggestion would be work on your 'fiya' before it fizzle out 'for shizzle'.

2) Yamaka Yo? Come on! Get a new tag. LOL

Best of luck......and remember playa: Bitch better have my Matza!

DEAR MACIO,

I'm a very athletic Asian woman. 6ft., short black hair, muscular build. I'm having a hard time dating. I think men are intimidated by my outgoing attitude. Any suggestions?

Quiong- Li Song

Arkansas

Quiong- Li Song,

Thanks so much for your letter. Actually I don't think men are intimidated by your 'outgoing attitude. Perhaps it's because your a 6 foot muscular Asian woman from Arkansas! Last I knew, Asian people were among the smallest people on the planet next to Aborigines and midgets (I mean little people!). Good God girl what kind of hormones are in your rice? Well, if all fails the WNBA is always in need of a few good men. LOL and another thing.....there's Asians in Arkansas?

MACIO

DEAR MACIO,

I have 6 children. All by different celebrities. Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, Kevin Federline, Allen Iverson, Mick Jagger and Hugh Heffner. The problem is now all their wifes and girlfriends are coming after me. I have a feeling it's because I still have the body of a 18 year old. What should I do?

Perfect in EVERY way

Compton, CA

Dear Perfect,

May I suggest a colonic- because girl, you sound full of SHIT! You may very well have 6 rug rats from 6 baby daddies but come on......Bill Gates and Michael Jordon surely wouldn't hit the same 'skins' if you know what I mean! And another thing....HEFF!?! Ol' boy has 6 girlfriends, chances are he's not going to Compton for any. NO one has 18 yr old body 'snap back' after 6 kids. hmmmmmmm.....are you taking your meds?

MACIO

DEAR MACIO,

We saw you at the Comic Strip last weekend and have to say that you were the best comedian on the show. Hands down! After the show I over heard you speaking to a young woman and giving her such warm, sweet and great advice. You seem like such a nice fellow. I know this is a long shot-but here it goes: I'm a 45 year old woman from Tuckahoe. I've never been on an offical date with a man. I have a few girlfriends but I get really nervous talking to the opposite sex. When a man approaches me my personality "Sarah" comes out and she is very shy and giggly. I've tried to repress my other personalites with medications and on going therapy. But "Sarah" is so strong. What do you think I should do? Do you have any 'funny ice-breakers' I can use so that maybe I can feel a bit more at ease?

Thanks,

Fighting Sarah

From: Tuckahoe

Dear Fighting Sarah,

Hot damn you got issues girl! You sound crazy as cat shit! My advice to you would be skip asking me for advice and take your ass straight to therapy and "Tuck-that-hoe" Sarah far away. Good luck!

MACIO

DEAR MACIO,

During your show you said that you're a father of 3. My wife and I just had our 1st child 6 months ago and it seems so hard. Our whole lives have changed and honestly I feel like I'm going crazy. From one man to another- How do you do it?

John

From: NJ

John,

Yes, brother I hear you. It isn't easy being a parent. It's the world's hardest and unglorified job. There isn't a manuel to teach us how or even a license system. It's amazing that you have to take tests and aquire a license to drive a car, sell real estate and even become lawyer or hot dog vendor. But there isn't SHIT for becoming a parent. So what I do is go on tour and leave the headache for my wife. It's too DAMN much!

Good Luck,

MACIO

DEAR MACIO,

My name is Calvin. I feel it is my life calling to become a comedian. Do you have any advice for me?

Calvin the Comedian

From: Alaska

Dear Calvin,

My advice for you would be: MOVE FROM ALASKA! Best of luck and maybe I'll see you on the circuit.

MACIO

Dear Macio,

We saw you perform @ the Improv in Tampa. You had a bit about a one armed mugger. The funny thing is, my cousin is locked up for armed robbery and really only has ONE ARM!

Josh

From: Tampa

Josh,

See and people think I make this shit up! I bet they couldn't even handcuff him- huh? LOL

MACIO

The End